


having you to miss is a privilege

by stealthestars



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottoming from the Top, Brief description of a past panic attack, Chocolatier Tendou Satori, First Kiss, First Times, Getting Together, Hickeys, Hyperventilation AU, Implied Cheating, M/M, Misunderstandings, Oral Sex, Porn with Feelings, Pro Volleyball Player Ushijima Wakatoshi, Semi Eita is a Chaotic (but Good) Friend, Slight Canon Divergence, Takes place about two years after they graduate high school but before the "time skip" arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:48:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28325577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stealthestars/pseuds/stealthestars
Summary: lifetimes ago,it was you.it’s stillyou.(it always will be)Or; Tendou can’t stop staring at Ushijima and that damn golden band on his finger.
Relationships: Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 21
Kudos: 198





	having you to miss is a privilege

**Author's Note:**

> So about a month ago I got into a short BL series called Hyperventilation. I really enjoyed it and was struck with the desire to write an AU based on it and landed on Ushiten. 
> 
> Takes place a little over two years after they graduate. I decided to make it a slight divergence to the canon where Tendou gets a culinary degree and then returns to Japan instead of staying in France. 
> 
> You do not need to have seen or read Hyperventilation to understand this story, but I highly recommend it as it is a short but sweet series about second chances.
> 
> Title and summary quote by Zack Grey.
> 
> A late birthday present for [May](https://twitter.com/sakusasmask504), who always lets me scream my ideas at her, even if it's angst at 830am on a Saturday.

Tendou Satori has done a lot of stupid things in his life.

There’s the time when he was a kid and his cousin convinced him to stick a fork in an outlet just to see what would happen. 

Or when he showed up for the midnight release of a new comic he’d been looking forward to getting only to learn he’d messed up the dates and missed it. 

And of course, all the times he leaped in the wrong direction during a game because he misjudged the incoming spike. 

Despite all that however, allowing Semi to convince him into taking the train all the way from Tokyo to Sendai to join the rest of the old Shiratorizawa team in celebrating Goshiki’s graduation from high school has to be the absolute dumbest.

It’ll be fun, Tendou. Goshiki will be going off to college soon, Tendou. No one’s seen you since you got back from Paris, Tendou.

Ushijima will be there, Tendou.

Goddamn Semi.

It goes like this.

A young, lonely boy gets accepted to Shiratorizawa Academy, a school that ranks among the most prestigious schools in Miyagi and one of the top 8 in the nation for volleyball. The coach is impressed with his tryout and offers him the opportunity to play however suits him, as long as he blocks more hits than he allows through. He makes real friends for the first time in his life among his teammates, even if the school at large regards his wide eyes and loud, abrasive personality with a mix of distaste and outright aggression.

He even falls in love and that is, perhaps, where his life truly ends. 

“I didn’t know you got married, Ushijima-san!” Goshiki protests, waving his hands wildly in front of him when the whole table gets a look at the golden ring on their former captain’s finger. Ushijima pauses in the middle of pouring himself another drink and looks down at the ring as if he’s just remembered it’s there.

“Ah. It’s really not a big deal,” he replies, his tone as even and unaffected as it always is. Somehow that incites the table into an even bigger riot, Reon and Shirabu speaking over one another while Tendou just gawks. 

He didn’t know Ushijima had gotten married either. In fact, he hadn’t even been aware Ushijima was seeing anyone at all. Weren’t they supposed to be best friends? Ushijima remembers how his phone works when it comes to calling Tendou about his late night pre game anxieties but neglects to mention a whole girlfriend? A _wife_? 

“Have you met her, Tendou?” Semi interjects through the racket, both the one happening around the table and the one inside Tendou’s mind, smirking at the redhead. Tendou sneers back, eyes narrowing slightly before he tips his head in Ushijima’s direction.

“I haven’t, but I’m sure she’s amazing. Nothing but the best for our dear Wakatoshi-kun,” he simpers, raising his glass. Ushijima’s expression is unreadable though there’s an interesting tension around his eyes that doesn’t escape Tendou’s notice.

“To the Ushijimas.” 

The rest of the table echoes the sentiment, clinking their glasses together. The conversation dies down after that with the arrival of their food, thank god. Soekawa has to keep confiscating the sake bottle from Goshiki, who insists he can handle it and won’t get caught by the waitress. 

Tendou can’t stop staring at Ushijima and that damn golden band on his finger. 

It’s bothering him, the not knowing. He knows Ushijima Wakatoshi better than anyone on the planet and yet somehow he did not know this. Didn’t even expect it, at least not yet. 

The only thing that occupies the brunette’s thoughts is volleyball. It’s all that he thinks about, day in and day out. He never had time for dating in high school and Tendou… Tendou understood. Volleyball is first for Ushijima and everything and everyone else comes second.

He’s used to that.

But then there’s the ring.

It’s an aberration. It’s doesn’t _fit_ in the narrative Tendou has created to explain his and Ushijima’s relationship, or lack thereof. 

Tendou has been in love with his best friend since they were both 15 years old; just snot nosed first years fighting for a spot on the starting lineup with their whole lives ahead of them. He watches as Ushijima grows wings and flies above their heads and understands, even then, that he’ll do anything to help this boy achieve his dreams. 

It only gets more difficult to hide his feelings as time goes by. They’re in the same class all three years. They see one another every day for volleyball practice. Room together for every away game and training event. 

They’re inseparable right up until they aren’t. 

Ushijima gets scouted out of high school by the Schweiden Adlers, one of the top division one teams in the country, and Tendou gets accepted to his dream school in Paris, learning how to make chocolates from some of the best chefs in the whole world. 

He’d returned from France with his degree only a month ago and rented a tiny little apartment in Tokyo while he tries to figure out what he wants to do next. Owning his own chocolate shop sounds like it might be fun. 

And Tendou convinces himself that this is enough. That he’s happy since he still has the most of Ushijima out of anyone else on the planet because they’re best friends. Ushijima doesn’t love him, not because Tendou isn’t good enough or attractive enough, but because Ushijima doesn’t love anyone. His world revolves around volleyball but Tendou still gets to be with him, even if it isn’t in the ways he wants. He doesn’t confess his feelings to Ushijima because then he’ll just be another broken heart in the string of broken hearts Ushijima left behind in high school.

_But then there’s the ring._

Ushijima catches him staring and Tendou decides he’s had enough. 

“I’m gonna go out for some air. I think I’ve had a bit too much to drink,” he laughs, waving Goshiki off when he gasps and tries to struggle out of his seat to join him. 

“Sit down before you fall down, Tsutomu. I’ll be right back.”

No one calls him out on the fact that he’s actually drunk the least out of all of them that evening, which he’s grateful for. 

The late autumn air is bracing and Tendou takes a deep, steadying breath when he’s finally out of the restaurant and away from… all of it. He sits down on the curb with a heavy sigh, debating what he should do next. The idea of going back inside and sitting across from Ushijima like it isn’t absolutely killing him to be in the same space as his first love seems incomprehensible. 

He holds his own hand up in front of him and studies it absently, tugging his knees up so he can wrap an arm around his legs and rest his chin on them. His skin is a little chapped from the cold air and there’s a small bandage around the middle finger where he accidentally nicked himself with a knife making breakfast this morning. He tries to picture a matching gold band and his brain automatically rejects it.

“Satori? How long are you going to stay out here?” 

Tendou whips his head around and sees Ushijima standing beside him, staring awkwardly at the former middle blocker like he’s not quite sure what else to say. 

He snorts and looks away again, gesturing vaguely in Ushijima’s direction.

“However long I feel like. You should go back inside before you catch a chill, though. Tobio-kun will have my head if he finds out I got his star spiker sick right before the start of the season,” he teases, forcing a closed mouth smirk. When Ushijima ignores him he decides it’s probably time for him to go and Tendou hauls himself upright, sticking his chilled hands in his coat pockets for warmth. 

“I think maybe I’ll just call it a night and head to the station. I’m still a little jetlagged.”

Ushijima blinks, clearly taken aback, and Tendou offers him a winning smile. 

“I hope you have a good rest of your night, though. Say hello to Mrs. Ushijima-san for me, yeah? You’ll have to show me a picture of her sometime, though I’m sure it goes without saying that she’s gorgeous,” he laughs and it takes all his energy to make it sound genuine. 

And it is, or at least it isn’t wholly _ingenuine._ He’s sure whoever this mystery woman is she’s every bit as beautiful, smart, and amazing as Ushijima himself. Clearly she must make him happy.

Nothing but the best for our dear Wakatoshi-kun.

“Satori, I...” Ushijima starts, and there’s a hand reaching out for him, fingers barely brushing his arm when Goshiki’s voice suddenly echoes loudly from the doorway of the restaurant.

Tendou should leave, right now. 

Tendou doesn’t get to finish that thought, though. Ushijima’s gripping his elbow and pushing him backwards into the dark alley between the restaurant and the shop next to it, pinning Tendou to the cold brick. 

“Wakato-”

A hand covers his mouth, silencing him before he even gets the full word out. 

“Where do you think they went?” Goshiki whines from only a few feet away and Tendou reaches up to yank at Ushijima’s arm, his protests muffled against the unrelenting grip of his palm. Why on earth are they hiding? Who cares if someone sees them together, it’s not like it’s some big secret that Tendou and Ushijima are friends. 

“If we’re lucky then wherever they went, they went there together,” Semi snorts, and Tendou wonders what the hell that’s supposed to mean. Ushijima is so close to him Tendou can smell the spicy scent of his cologne, can’t escape from it with how he’s crowded into the wall of the restaurant. 

He finally manages to pull Ushijima’s hand away just enough to gasp out a breath, glaring heatedly up at the former Ace who stares back at him with an infuriating placidity. 

“What was that about?” he snaps, trying and failing to shove the other man away from him. Ushijima’s muscular frame is just about as unyielding as the brick and mortar at his back. 

Ushijima blinks, then narrows his eyes when Reon’s laugh rings out not that far off. Tendou opens his mouth to demand an explanation and then the world just-

Stops. 

Or perhaps the world keeps spinning but Tendou himself ceases to move with it because Ushijima’s lips are on his own and it rocks him to his very foundation. He’s wide eyed and struck motionless, even as Ushijima breaks the kiss and leans back just enough to stare down at the speechless redhead. 

The taste of Ushijima’s mouth doesn’t fit the narrative, either. Not the old one, nor the new one. 

“You came tonight because I was here,” Wakatoshi murmurs and that snaps Tendou out of his daze, squinting back at his former Captain. 

“Who told you that nonsense, Semi? I came to congratulate Tsutomu and our other kouhai on graduating, same as everyone else,” he insists, already formulating his revenge against his now former friend. See if he ever gets another box of homemade candies from Tendou ever again. 

Ushijima looks unconvinced and he’s crowding into Tendou’s space again just as the first raindrops pitter across his jacket. Tendou knows this is wrong. He knows he should push him and run away. 

Instead, Tendou does another stupid, awful thing in a lifetime of stupid, awful things and closes the rest of the gap between him and Ushijima to crush their lips together. Ushijima doesn’t hesitate to press his body forward until Tendou is pinned between him and the wall, forearms framing Tendou’s head as they kiss in the shadowy darkness of the alleyway. Ushijima’s mouth is like fire against his own and Tendou gasps wetly, tongue darting out to lick at the other man’s before he allows it inside, feeling Ushijima mapping him out almost desperately, as if he’s afraid he won’t get a second chance. 

The kiss tastes like beer and the crab Ushijima had been eating before their abrupt departure and Tendou savors it, shuddering when there’s a firm thigh suddenly pressing between his own. 

He’s panting by the time it’s finally over, breath rising between them in foggy puffs. It’s raining in earnest now and Tendou realizes they’re both drenched, too busy memorizing each other’s mouths to even notice the steadily increasing downpour. 

Ushijima draws back, glancing out at the street and then running a hand through his hair. Tendou catches a glimpse of the golden ring on his finger and guilt starts to settle in the pit of his stomach, heavy and dense as granite. 

“Want to come back to my hotel with me?” Ushijima asks him softly, reaching out to cup Tendou’s jaw and thumb at his puffy lower lip. “You can’t take the train soaking wet, you’ll catch a cold.” 

Tendou ignores the feeling of warm metal against his skin and hears himself say yes. 

He always says yes when it comes to Ushijima Wakatoshi. No matter what it is he never turns him down, never turns him away. 

Even to the point of exhaustion; muscles straining, breath coming in ragged, desperate gasps on the gym floor. Running endless laps with Ushijima until his body wants to give up, and then pushing himself that much further because Ushijima had asked it of him. 

Semi told him once that Ushijima might actually be the death of Tendou. He’s probably right. 

The sprint to Ushijima’s hotel room feels like it simultaneously takes an eternity and no time at all. Tendou is shivering by the time they make it to his room, though that’s only partially due to the cold sinking into his skin. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows this is wrong, knows he shouldn’t be doing this.

Ushijima is married, and to someone who very much isn’t him. 

But he can’t bring himself to object when Ushijima unzips his jacket and pushes it off his shoulders, allowing it to fall to the floor with a sad, soggy squish. Instead of stopping this like he should, Tendou reaches out and does the same with Ushijima’s, numb fingers fumbling over the buttons of Ushijima’s collared shirt. 

He yanks the neatly tucked hem out from his jeans and then gets impatient, sliding his arms around Ushijima beneath the clinging wet layer of fabric. Ushijima’s skin is like fire against his own and he wonders how on earth he can still be so _warm_ when Tendou feels like a block of ice. 

Ushijima smells so good, better even than Tendou had ever fantasized. His body looks like it’s been carved from marble by the fantastical artists of ancient Greece, painstakingly chiseled into life in the image of some beautiful, impossible God.

The gold ring flashes in Tendou’s periphery and it gives him one last chance to stop this. There’s no going back, not once it’s happened. He can’t undo what’s already been done. 

Instead Tendou smiles faintly, gripping Ushijima’s wrist and forcing him to stop his attempts to undress Tendou without making the redhead unwrap from his torso. 

“Take off the ring,” he orders, staring heavily up into serious olive eyes. Maybe Ushijima will be the one to pull away, to end this before it gets too far. 

Instead Ushijima does as asked, twisting the ring off and dropping it carelessly on the small table beside the bed. 

“I’ll do anything you ask of me, Satori,” he murmurs, fingers ghosting along the curve of Tendou’s jaw. “ _Anything._ ” 

And the thing is, Tendou actually believes him. It’s terrifying and he twists his hands into the front of Ushijima’s shirt to drag him in for a harsh kiss, unresisting when Ushijima pushes him until the back of his knees hit the edge of the bed. He sits down on the mattress, wet pants and all, and tips his head back to stare up at Ushijima towering over him. 

“I want to taste you, Wakatoshi-kun.”

Ushijima blanches with surprise and Tendou smirks up at him, nimble fingers already tugging open the sleek brown leather belt he’s wearing. He doesn’t even bother pulling it out of the loops, just leaves it hanging there while he works on the button and zipper.

This is years of fantasies coming true and Tendou needs to make the most of every second because he knows this is his one and only chance.

He only pauses for as long as it takes to shuck off his clammy wet shirt, then returns to tugging Ushijima’s jeans open and down. There’s a hand in his hair and Tendou can hear Ushijima’s breath pitch slightly when he’s finally able to shove his hand down his boxers and free his growing erection from its confines. 

This isn’t the first time Tendou is seeing it. They’ve both seen each other naked plenty of times in various locker rooms and bathrooms, but this _is_ Tendou’s first time seeing it hard, and it’s every bit as long and girthy as he’s imagined. He thickens up nicely in Tendou’s hand with only a few dry strokes and Tendou licks his lips in anticipation, watching as precome beads in the slit. 

He sends up a silent thank you for the meal and leans forward, sampling the weight of it with a single long, wet lick from root to tip. The taste of him is musky with a faint tang of sweat and rainwater and Tendou closes his eyes with a soft, greedy sigh. The entire thing feels like it’s straight out of a wet dream and all he can hope right now is that he doesn’t wake up just yet. 

Pillowing the fat head on his tongue, Tendou groans and laps at the veiny underside, careful to tuck his teeth out of the way before he starts to sink down deeper. He unwraps his fingers from the base and grips Ushijima’s hips for balance, relishing the strangled noise he pulls out of Ushijima when his dick rubs against the ridges of Tendou’s soft palette. 

It’s been a minute since the last time Tendou sucked someone off but he still remembers how to relax enough to allow those last few centimeters in deeper, gagging slightly at the thick press of Ushijima’s dick in the back of his throat. Ushijima’s cock is longer than he’s used to though and he has to back off before he chokes and settles for bobbing his head over the fleshy tip, curling his hand around his cock again to hold it still so he can suck a teasing, wet line along the side. 

“You feel so good in my mouth, Wakatoshi. I should have gotten on my knees for you sooner,” he rasps, licking at the sensitive frenulum at the same time he glances up at Ushijima. Olive green eyes are boring into him and his former Captain’s face is flush red with arousal, looking so absolutely wrecked just from what Tendou’s done to him so far that he’s not sure he’ll even last to do much more. 

“But you aren’t on your knees, Satori,” Ushijima states bluntly, and even his voice sounds low and already fucked out. Tendou’s so surprised he actually laughs, releasing Ushijima’s dick and leaning back on the bed to size the other man up. Ushijima seems absolutely devastated that he’s no longer touching him and Tendou takes pity on his former captain, lifting his leg and planting his bare foot in the middle of Ushijima’s chest before he _shoves._

Ushijima takes two steps back and that gives Tendou enough space to slither down between him and the bed, sinking onto his knees and then sliding his palms up the firm bulk of Ushijima’s absurdly thick thighs. 

“How about this then?” he snickers, fixing his gaze on Ushijima’s face even as he turns his head to mouth along the thick length of his cock. There are hands in his hair again and Tendou smirks against him, tongue darting out to lick away the precome that’s dribbling from the sensitive, cut tip.

“Don’t look away, Wakatoshi-kun. Keep your eyes on me.”

He draws back and lets a line of saliva drip from his mouth to the head of Ushijima’s cock, using it to help ease the friction of his stroking palm. It’s easier to swallow him down the second time now that he’s approaching it on an even angle, breathing heavily through his nose. His throat strains as he swallows around him, wincing when Ushijima’s hands tighten painfully in his hair. 

He backs off and taps his teeth warningly against his cock, relenting once they loosen back up again and stop trying to rip red strands out from the root. Ushijima is acting like this is the first time he’s ever gotten head, which seems… odd, but that’s a problem for later consideration.

There are more pressing matters right now, like how fast can Tendou prep himself so he can get this fat dick inside of him. 

Tendou pops off Ushijima’s dick with a lewd, wet slurp and stands up abruptly, working open his own pants as Ushijima considers him with heated eyes. He grins teasingly, gliding his palms along Ushijima’s muscled chest and up the solid planes of his back beneath the shirt he’s still yet to remove. 

“My mouth tastes like you,” he chuckles, rocking his bare stomach against Ushijima’s cock. All things considered the man has been fairly contained thus far and Tendou wants to make him lose control. Wants him to unleash all that tightly coiled strength on his body until Tendou stops thinking about the wedding band tossed so thoughtlessly on dark wood. 

A muscle tics in Ushijima’s jaw and he curls his arms around Tendou, fingers digging into the flesh just above the waistband of his jeans. He’s teetering so close to the edge Tendou can _feel_ it and he decides to give him one last push, leaning in to nip at his ear, breath hot against sensitive cartilage. 

“I want you to fuck me, Wakatoshi-kun. Fuck me like you’d fuck your _wife._ ” 

Ushijima growls and shoves Tendou down onto the bed, looming over him with thunder in his eyes. He almost rips Tendou’s pants with how harshly he tugs them off, kicking his own away with equal disregard before he crawls on top of the sprawling former middle blocker. Tendou licks his lips and spreads his legs, faintly wondering if he’s always been this easy when Ushijima settles between them. 

Whatever Ushijima’s inexperience may be when it comes to sleeping with men, he knows enough at least to rummage through the bedside table for a small bottle of lubricant and Tendou snickers when he sees it, grinding his neglected dick up against the hard ridges of Ushijima’s abdomen. 

“Were you planning on getting lucky tonight?” he teases, breath hitching just slightly when Ushijima effectively immobilizes him with one strong hand planted against his chest. He wants to feel all the wicked things Ushijima can do with those stupid muscles of his. 

The brunette frowns but doesn’t respond, which Tendou is immensely grateful for if he’s being honest. Quite frankly he does not want to know if Ushijima’s only sleeping with him because he’d conveniently been available and willing. 

Ushijima kisses him again just as he presses a slippery finger inside of Tendou and he automatically clenches around it, lips parting eagerly to match the fury of Ushijima’s mouth against his own. He hopes Ushijima can taste himself on Tendou’s tongue and curls his fingers into the damn shirt Ushijima is still wearing. 

He yanks at the collar and digs his heels into the bed to buck up into Ushijima’s hips, groaning with frustration when he’s still prevented from moving by the hand pinning him to the mattress. A second finger works into his body and they curl wickedly, teasing against his prostate even as Ushijima himself bites a trail across Tendou’s jaw and down to the arch of his throat. 

“Wakatoshi,” he gasps, tipping his head back and hissing at the sharp wave of pleasure spreading through his abdomen. Ushijima’s fingers are merciless inside of him, massaging his inner walls at the same time he scissors them apart, and Tendou isn’t going to last if he keeps messing around.

“Wakatoshi!” 

He clamps his thighs around his waist and grips his face between his palms, pulling him away from the hickey he’s been sucking into Tendou’s throat to force him to meet his gaze. His hair is drying in frizzy, messy curls against his forehead and it is... adorable. Ushijima Wakatoshi is adorable, with his untidy hair and his red flush face and his pink mouth, swollen from kissing Tendou, and wow.

He did that. Tendou Satori made a mess out of Ushijima Wakatoshi.

Tendou swallows thickly and slides his fingers through those brown tangles, unable to bear the sudden softness that’s filling up his lungs and throat. 

“That’s enough prep. I need you inside me, now.”

Ushijima looks uncertain, scissoring his fingers inside of Tendou and making him gasp. It’s all too much and not enough.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Satori,” Ushijima sighs, pressing his forehead to Tendou’s. It’s dangerously intimate and Tendou isn’t sure how much more he can take from a man that isn’t his. From a heart that doesn’t belong to him. 

Spreading his legs wider and hitching his knees up towards his chest, Tendou shakes his head at him and dislodges the face against his own. He’s once again struck by how endearingly awkward Ushijima seems through all this, and at how it only makes Tendou want him more. 

“It’s okay, Wakatoshi. This is enough for me, I promise.”

His breathing catches in his throat when those long digits finally withdraw from inside of him and Tendou smiles up at him, still stroking his fingers through Ushijima’s hair. 

Ushijima doesn’t seem bothered to get a condom so Tendou doesn’t ask for one, scooching his ass down a little further so the angle will be easier for the other to push into him. The hand is finally off his stomach at least and he thrusts his hips up against Ushijima’s stomach just because he can, sighing with relief at the much needed friction. 

That look of uncertainty is back though and Tendou contemplates him curiously, red-brown eyes narrowing to slits. So he does the only thing he can think of and raises his leg, digs his knee into Ushijima’s side, and uses his own momentum to flip them until Ushijima is sprawled on the bed with Tendou straddling his waist. The brunette grunts when his back hits the mattress, taken completely by surprise, and the look Tendou gets could probably curdle milk. 

He relishes in it; positively _preens_ as he stokes the flames of Ushijima’s competitive energy. Tendou wants to be ruined by this man. 

“You were going too slow,” he chuckles, reaching between his legs and gripping Ushijima’s dick to hold it steady. He pauses before he sinks down onto it though and looks back at the wing spiker, expression uncharacteristically serious. 

“You’re sure about this? There’s no undo button if we go any farther.”

Ushijima stares up at him, then frowns and reaches out to slide his hands over Tendou’s thighs, ending at the narrow v of his hip bones. He doesn’t say anything to Tendou in response but when he starts to pull Tendou down onto his cock it’s answer enough for the redhead. 

And wow. 

Tendou may be spoiled for all other dicks after this because the way Ushijima splits him open is heart stopping. If he thought the girth of it had felt nice on his tongue then it doesn’t even come close to comparing to how it feels sinking into him, just this side of too much for Tendou to take. More prep probably would have made the slide easier but Tendou doesn’t care about that right now. He wants to feel this still when it’s over, wants to imprint the memory of this night into the very fabric of his soul. 

So he doesn’t stop Ushijima when his fingers dig deep bruises into the flesh of his hips, nor does he complain about the ache spreading up his spine when his ass is finally flush against Ushijima, feeling so full he can almost taste it at the back of his throat. 

“Ahh-ah…” he pants, collapsing forward onto Ushijima’s chest as he takes a moment to get used to the fullness inside of him. There’s a hand in his hair again and Tendou looks up at Ushijima, pleased that he at least looks as wrecked as Tendou feels. It’s easy for Ushijima to coax him into a kiss, for Tendou to pretend for just a moment that they’re lovers and that Ushijima wants him for more than an easy lay. 

Ushijima licks across the seam of his lips and Tendou lets him in like he always does, uncaring of the mess as they make out, sloppy and wet. It’s not enough though and Tendou breaks away so he can sit up again, flexing his ass around Ushijima’s dick just to watch him flinch from the sudden stimulation. He grins wickedly, leaning backwards so he can plant his hands against Ushijima’s thick, tree trunk thighs. 

“Watch me, Wakatoshi.”

And then he starts to move. Slowly at first, getting a feel for the motions of Ushijima’s cock inside of him, but then faster. Greedier. His own dick slaps lewdly against his stomach as he fucks himself down onto Ushijima, breath quickening in his chest. Ushijima’s length is deliciously, perfectly thick and the girth of it rubs against his sensitive prostate with each deep, harsh thrust into his body.

Tendou tips his head back and feels the pulse in his throat from the hickey Ushijima had left there earlier, groaning at the confusing mix of pleasure and pain. Ushijima’s digging his heels into the bed and fucking up to meet Tendou’s rocking body now and Tendou decides he’s had enough of this position, slinging himself forward and pushing against Ushijima’s chest so he can lift himself completely off his dick. 

Ushijima’s protesting growl is music to his ears and Tendou snickers breathlessly, slinking off him and spreading out on the bed with his chest down and ass up, staring heatedly at the other man. 

“I’m tired of doing all the work, Wakatoshi-kun. If you want to fuck me you’re gonna have to do it yourself,” he teases, sliding his arm between his thighs and crooking two fingers inside of himself. It isn’t hardly enough compared to what he’d just had in him moments ago, but it gets Ushijima’s attention and he can feel that intense olive gaze burning holes right through him. 

The brunette is up in a flash and pressing his way between Tendou’s legs, broad palms settling over his ass and _squeezing_ before spreading Tendou open so Ushijima can see all of him. Tendou slips his fingers out from his ass and clenches just to hear Ushijima swear under his breath. 

Nothing prepares him for the sound of Ushijima spitting though and Tendou feels saliva sliding down his taint, making him shiver from the sudden filthy depravity of it all. Ushijima’s thick thumb collects it back up and then pushes into his ass, fucking shallowly into Tendou’s overheated body, and _fuck._ Where did he learn to do that?

“Shit, shit-” he pants, pressing his forearms into the bed so he can rock himself back onto Ushijima’s finger, shivering when it rubs pleasantly against his prostate. He’s so close he can taste it but he doesn’t want to come yet, not when his body still hasn’t taken the shape of Ushijima’s cock. “Wakatoshi, please. Just… Just fuck me already.” 

Ushijima makes a pleased noise and withdraws his finger, and Tendou watches as he finally removes his shirt the rest of the way, tossing it carelessly off the bed before his hands are back on Tendou’s hips. Tendou sighs when his cock is pressing back inside of him again and bows his back towards the bed, allowing Ushijima to man handle him however he pleases.

And yes, this new angle is _much_ better. Ushijima gets even deeper inside of him and Tendou has to bite his fist to muffle the ragged moans that want to tear from his throat each time the wing spiker snaps his hips against his ass. He hisses when strong hands are grabbing his wrists and pulling his arms until they’re folded against the small of his back, pinned there beneath an iron grip. 

“I want to hear you, Satori,” Ushijima growls, and fuck if Tendou doesn’t moan on command at the fucked out roughness in his voice. Ushijima uses his arms like a handle to thrust even harder into Tendou, dragging a string of ruined noises out of the redhead beneath him. Tendou had asked for it, had begged this man to devastate him, and now that he’s getting it he’s not sure he can take it. His skin feels like it’s stretched tight over his body, overheated and slick with sweat as Ushijima makes a mess of his insides. 

And Tendou can’t do anything more than let him take what he wants, just like he always does. 

He turns his head and presses his burning face into the tangle they’ve made of the sheets, gasping wetly as Ushijima’s frantic thrusting slows into something steadier, deeper, and somehow that’s even worse. His arms are suddenly free and Tendou reaches out to twist his fingers into the bedspread to hide the way they’ve started to tremble. This is it, then. This is the end. Once this is over, Ushijima will go back to his wife and Tendou will... well. He’s not really sure. What is there after you fuck the man you’re in love with when he isn’t yours to love?

“M’gonna come, ‘Toshi,” he slurs, clenching weakly around the cock fucking into him. Heat is spreading through him like molasses, slow and sticky sweet in his veins as he starts to lose control. Ushijima’s curling down over him and mouthing at his shoulder, white teeth sinking into yielding flesh to mark and claim. The lewd slap of flesh subsumes all other sounds in the room and Tendou almost doesn’t catch it when Ushijima speaks, barely a whisper against the delicate arch of Tendou’s throat. 

_“I love you, Satori.”_

And Tendou Satori shatters completely. He sobs as his cock pulses between his thighs and he comes in thick white spurts on the sheets beneath him. His body spasms with each rolling wave of pleasure and he would have collapsed into the bedspread if not for Ushijima’s strong hands gripping his hips and holding them upright. He can feel Ushijima is still hard inside of him even though he’d stopped thrusting when Tendou hit his peak, and he twists his head to look blearily up at him, ignoring the tears he can feel welling up in his eyes. Ushijima seems conflicted, unsure of whether he should keep going or pull out, and Tendou offers him a sad, winded smile.

“It’s okay. Take what you need, Wakatoshi-kun,” he murmurs, spreading his knees a little bit to give Ushijima more room to get closer. His breathing hitches in his chest when Ushijima cautiously starts to move again, oversensitive prostate protesting slightly at the continued stimulation. Tendou closes his eyes and brings his hand up to his mouth, fisting around the sheets while he sinks his teeth into one of his fingers. Every part of him feels sore and used but Tendou bears with it, shivering as Ushijima fucks into him again and again. 

Ruin me, he silently pleads, tightening his ass around Ushijima to make it even better for him. 

Ruin me, he begs, tears soaking into the blankets while rough, calloused palms ghost down the length of his bowed spine, the world starting to go hazy around the edges.

 _”Ruin me,”_ he cries, the words incoherent and muffled against his own aching flesh as Ushijima groans and freezes, spilling his release deep inside of Tendou. 

And the last thing Tendou remembers is the feeling of warm lips on the back of his neck, forming the shape of words that he understands without even hearing.

🏐🍫🏐🍫🏐🍫🏐🍫🏐🍫🏐

Tendou is gone.

Ushijima sits on the edge of the bed and stares at the wall of his hotel, uncertain and uncomprehending. He’d thought maybe he’d gotten through to him last night, that he’d finally made his feelings clear enough and saw them reciprocated in the sweet way Tendou moaned his name when he came. 

That there had been no room left between their bodies for the misunderstandings and struggles that have plagued their friendship for years. 

He’d done his best to clean the unconscious man and tuck him into bed, studying the deep shadows under his eyes and the way his body trembles at Ushijima’s touch. Tendou always gives so much of himself to others and Ushijima…

Ushijima has been selfish. 

It goes like this.

A young, lonely boy gets accepted to Shiratorizawa Academy, a school that ranks among the most prestigious schools in Miyagi and one of the top 8 in the nation for volleyball. The coach is impressed with his tryout and offers him the opportunity to play however suits him, as long as he continues to land spike after spike. He makes real friends for the first time in his life among his teammates, even if the school at large regards his towering height and blank, expressionless face with trepidation and more than a little uncertainty.

He even falls in love and that is, perhaps, when his life truly begins. 

Tendou Satori is an oddity to be sure, but they fit together like puzzle pieces destined for one another. Tendou never mocks him for the awkward silences or his single minded obsession with volleyball. He finds nothing but understanding and acceptance, and maybe a little friendly teasing in those red-brown eyes. Tendou always gives and never asks for anything in return, and Ushijima selfishly, greedily, takes everything he has to offer and more.

Ushijima comes to treasure those afternoons spent lying in his bed with Tendo sprawled beside him and looking over his shoulder at the latest Shonen Jump. He doesn’t really follow the stories but he likes the sound of Tendou’s voice when he talks about something he enjoys. There are long nights in their hotel room after tough losses where Tendou throws a random movie up on the tv screen and chatters in his ear until Ushijima forgets how angry he is with himself for failing his team. 

Tendou’s gentle hands on his skin, wrapping bandages around his fingers when he jams them during practice. Tendou’s smile when Ushijima remembers his McDonald’s order the times the redhead convinces him to go after a long day. The shape of his name on Tendou’s lips when he unwraps the anime figure Ushijima had scoured the internet for leading up to his 17th birthday.

Tendou, Tendou, Tendou.

He’s not exactly sure when he realized he was in love with his best friend. There’s no real major aha! moment, or particular event that sticks out in Ushijima’s mind. 

Perhaps except... one. 

Ushijima’s family has always had high expectations for their child. His mother is demanding, sometimes almost to the line of cruelty, but Ushijima works hard to give her as little cause to criticize him. He excels at school and at volleyball, doesn’t make a mess and is, in all respects, the obedient, well behaved son she’s always wanted, barring the left handedness she hates to see. He doesn’t expect her to support him when he tells her he wants to continue playing volleyball after high school, rather than going to college, but he hopes at least she might accept it. 

Instead she outright rejects it. Ushijima will go to a respectable university and get a respectable job and become a respectable adult. No more of this silly fantasy. 

Ushijima goes through the day as if in a haze and by the time he gets to practice he’s not sure he can even remain upright, nevermind focus on hitting a ball. Tendou finds him in the club room when he fails to come out to the gym, sitting on the floor against the wall and trying desperately to catch his breath. 

He can still recall the helplessness of pulling air into his lungs and still feeling like he’s suffocating. The tightness in his chest and the cold sweat soaking through his shirt, making him shake. 

And then there’s Satori and those gentle, gentle hands cradling his face, stroking at his cheeks until he remembers how to breathe again. He’s sure Tendou’s long since forgotten about this, but Ushijima can’t. He just can’t when Tendou let Ushijima bury his face in his chest and held him close, listened quietly as Ushijima spilled his guts out about what his family had decided.

He just wants to play volleyball. He wants to win games and stay on the court as long as possible and nothing else will ever make him as happy as volleyball. Certainly not some office job picked out for him by his Mother. 

And then Tendou says quite possibly the most Tendou thing Ushijima has ever heard.

_Just do what makes you happy and anyone who doesn’t like it can fuck off._

He’d stated it so casually, as if it really is that easy, and Ushijima had laughed. Small and strained sure, but laughter nevertheless. He hadn’t noticed then just how sad Tendou’s smile had looked in return.

So that’s what Ushijima does. Not with that exact level of aggression, but he tells his family he intends to pursue volleyball after graduation with or without their blessing. He sleeps at Tendou’s that night and Ushijima falls asleep curled against the warm body of the best friend he’s ever had. 

And Ushijima just understands that this is what love is. The realization sneaks in between one heartbeat and the next, sweet and slow as honey. He’s in love with Tendou Satori.

He wants to tell him before they graduate. He writes a letter that confesses every last detail of Ushijima’s feelings for him and stuffs it in his locker before practice begins. That’s the day Tendou tells him about the culinary school in France, and his dreams of becoming a world famous chocolatier. 

I’ll tell the world I’m your best friend someday when they come to interview me about Olympian Ushijima Wakatoshi, he had teased, and his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes when Ushijima remained silent. 

He stole the letter back before Tendou had the chance to find it. 

But then Tendou had been at that restaurant, staring so hard at Ushijima that he’d almost put a hole right through him, and Ushijima dared to hope again. Semi insists Tendou isn’t seeing anyone, and that he has no current plans on leaving the country anytime soon. It’s Semi’s idea to have that little get together in the first place even though it’s been months since their former first years graduated high school. 

And Ushijima can’t help but be selfish again. 

He takes and takes until Tendou has nothing left to give. He’s clumsy in his inexperience, he knows that, but Tendou actually passes out when it’s over and Ushijima is consumed with guilt. 

“Satori would do anything for you, Ushijima-san,” Semi had told him once after practice and back then it had sounded more like an observation than a warning, but now Ushijima knows better. He truly understands the many ways Tendou has always laid himself across the flames just to keep Ushijima warm. 

So Ushijima takes a chance. He kisses Tendou outside the restaurant and Tendou kisses him back. 

Ushijima can’t figure him out. He doesn’t understand why Tendou seems so sad the entire time they’re having sex, or why he’s obsessed with the idea of Ushijima having a wife. He feels like there’s been some kind of misunderstanding but he’s too distracted with the taste of Tendou’s skin and the tight heat around him to ask what’s going on inside his head. 

He slides the ring onto Tendou’s finger while the other man sleeps and desperately hopes that he’ll see it and understand what Ushijima is struggling to say. Maybe he hadn’t heard Ushijima when he confessed to him while they were making love.

And whether he understood or not, Tendou still leaves before Ushijima wakes up.

So that’s his answer and Ushijima has to respect it. Has to make use of this one final opportunity to not be selfish with Tendou Satori.

There’s a text from Semi waiting for him when he finishes getting dressed, asking Ushijima how it went last night. Ushijima sighs heavily and sinks down heavily onto a bed that still smells of sex and Tendou’s sweet strawberry shampoo. 

_He left._

He doesn’t feel like saying any more than that. Semi will understand.

His feet feel like they’re attached to lead bricks as Ushijima goes through the motions of packing up his meager belongings. It’s only a short walk to the station and his train doesn’t leave for another hour so he isn’t in particularly much of a hurry. Tendou is long gone by now, anyways.

The autumn air is crisp against his skin when he steps outside the small motel, his breath fogging up in front of him with every exhale. Memories of Tendou’s body against his own and cold rain on his skin as they kiss come unbidden back to his mind. 

At least he has that to keep him company on the long train ride back to Kodaira. 

He’s deep in thought as he walks through the quiet streets, enjoying the tranquil solitude the early hour affords him. Ushijima had always liked that about Sendai. 

And then there’s a voice screaming his name and the peace of the morning is completely shattered. 

Ushijima turns slowly, eyes widening when he sees Tendou standing at the end of the road, hands on his knees and gasping for breath. His face is flush red, though whether it’s from anger or exertion, Ushijima really can’t tell. Tendou waves his hand at Ushijima and then snarls, chest still heaving. 

“What the fuck is this?” he demands, and Ushijima can see the object he’s holding is the little golden ring. What exactly is he asking though? It feels fairly… obvious.

“It’s a ring,” Ushijima answers slowly. Had Tendou run all the way here from the station? It isn’t a long distance yes, but it’s freezing out and there’s patches of ice everywhere you turn from last night’s rain. 

Tendou hisses out a laugh and then starts storming towards him, still waving his hand in the air like Ushijima is supposed to guess what it means. He doesn’t flinch when Tendou shoves it in his face, gesturing wildly at it.

“It turned my finger _green._ ”

Ah. 

Is that the problem?

“I can get you a real one if you want,” Ushijima replies, looking cautiously around Tendou’s hand and down at the man himself. Tendou splutters and holds up the ring, now tarnished and a little worse for wear. 

“Why are you wearing a fake ring? And don’t you dare think about lying to me, Ushijima Wakatoshi,” Tendou snaps, curling his fist around the metal band so tight Ushijima wonders if he plans to crush it into dust. 

He shrugs a shoulder, keeping his arms glued to his sides lest he give into the temptation to reach out and touch Tendou. He’s not sure he’s allowed to right now. 

“Semi gave it to me. Said he wanted to pull a prank on Goshiki and bet me a bottle of sake I couldn’t convince him I was married.”

Which, now that he’s thinking about it, Semi owes him a bottle of sake. 

Tendou’s mouth drops open and his eyebrows knit together as he considers what Ushijima’s saying. Did Tendou actually believe Ushijima had gotten married in secret? The idea seems so preposterous, even to himself. 

“So you’re not married,” Tendou says flatly, glaring at Ushijima as if he’s daring him to laugh. Ushijima shakes his head, then cocks it curiously to the side.

“If there was anyone at all then you would have been the first to know about it, Satori.”

Tendou seems oddly placated by that, as if Ushijima has just solved a problem that has been plaguing him. The redhead jabs his hand out and Ushijima reaches up to accept the ring back from him, warm from being clutched so tightly in Tendou’s palm.

There’s silence for a moment and Ushijima considers what to do next. It feels like he’s being given a second chance to make his feelings known, but he’s suddenly anxious, not knowing how Tendou will react. 

“Last night,” Tendou finally murmurs, breaking the awkward tension that’s settled over them. “Last night you told me you loved me and you put that ring on my finger while I slept. Did you mean it?”

Relief courses through Ushijima, heady and potent. There are so many questions Tendou could have asked that he truly does not have an answer for but that… that is not one of them. 

“Yes. I meant every single word,” he responds plainly, this time leaving no room for misunderstandings.

He carefully strokes his fingertip along the curve of Tendou’s jaw, nudging it up until Tendou is looking back at him with uncertainty in those brown depths and Ushijima decides that just won’t do. So he leans in and brushes his lips against Tendou’s, soft and sweet and everything their first kiss should have been the night before. 

And Tendou kisses back, mouth curving into a slow, easy smile. 

“I love you, Tendou Satori,” Ushijima sighs, drawing back so he can find Tendou’s hand and slip the ring back onto his finger. He’ll get him a better one when he has the chance but Tendou doesn’t protest either way, allowing Ushijima to lift his arm and press a soft kiss to the warm metal. 

And when Ushijima slides into his seat on the train back home Tendou is at his side, finally right where he belongs.

🏐🍫🏐🍫🏐🍫🏐🍫🏐🍫🏐

**epilogue.001**

Semi Eita is not a patient man. 

He tries his best to be a good friend, though. He listens to Tendou whine about Ushijima and lends a sympathetic ear when Ushijima does the same. They’re both complete idiots, if anyone ever bothers to ask for his thoughts, which they _never_ do.

He knows Shirabu is equally frustrated with their stupid former teammates and that’s when the The Scheme is hatched. 

It’s simple enough, really. First, no one else can know. Reon and Goshiki are _terrible_ liars and Tendou is too smart to be fooled easily, even if he is a little dumb when it comes to all things Ushijima Wakatoshi. Jin would just outright refuse to get involved and might even out them before they have a chance to try, so yes. It must be kept a secret from everyone if they want this to work.

Secondly, it absolutely has to be done to Tendou. Tendou is just impulsive enough that they’ll have way more success pulling a strong reaction out of him than they would with Wakatoshi. 

It’s easy to get some time alone with his former captain. He tells him a meeting time that’s half an hour earlier than the one he gives everyone else, grinning when he enters the private room they’d booked to see only Ushijima has arrived.

All according to plan so far.

He plies him with a drink, hoping that Shirabu is keeping up his end by making sure no one else decides to just show up while he’s working his magic. 

It’s made somewhat easier by how nervous Ushijima plainly is, even though he hides it better than most would under these circumstances. If Semi had understood Tendou’s complaining correctly, the two of them haven’t seen each other face to face since graduation, what with Tendou off studying in France the last couple years. Tendou has been back for a few months now but neither man has bothered making the measly hour train ride to visit the other in all that time.

He thought maybe they would get their heads out of their asses and arrange to travel together to Sendai, which would solve all of their problems without the need for this friendly intervention.

But _no_. Nothing is ever that easy with Ushijima Wakatoshi and Tendou Satori. 

Quite frankly, Semi is just plain tired of watching them dance miserably around one another. They deserve to be happy, even if Tendou does get on his nerves sometimes. 

“So, Ushijima-san,” he hums absently, trailing a finger around the rim of his glass in a forced display of absent minded innocence. The ring he’d picked up at a nearby mall burns a hole in his pocket. 

“Wanna help me play a little prank on Goshiki?”

🏐🍫🏐🍫🏐🍫🏐🍫🏐🍫🏐

**epilogue.002**

“Wait,” Tendou says suddenly, interrupting himself in the middle of a rant about the newest chapter of One Piece. “What you said earlier, about me being the first to know if you were dating someone. You have literally _never_ told me about anyone you’ve dated?”

Ushijima blinks, having almost nodded off against Tendou’s shoulder. It’s been ages since he’s gotten a good night’s sleep and the comforting familiarity of Tendou’s voice combined with the gentle swaying of the train had done wonders to lull him into a stupor.

“That’s because there’s nothing to tell. There’s never been anyone,” he answers, tone flat and uninterested. It had always seemed rather disingenuous to try dating while he was in love with someone else, and it’s not like he has a lot of free time with being a pro athlete. 

Tendou pauses, considering what he’s just said for a moment, and apparently comes to an abrupt realization because he nearly knocks Ushijima out of his seat when he whips around to face him.

“Ushijima Wakatoshi, are you telling me you’re a _virgin._ ”

The brunette stares, then shrugs. He doesn’t understand what the big deal is.

“Well I’m not _anymore_ , Tendou Satori,” he points out, voice just about as dry as the Sahara desert. This seems to upset Tendou even more and the redhead covers his face, muffling a strangled noise into the palms of his hands.

“I wish you would have told me,” Tendou sighs finally, massaging his fingertips against the rapid pulse at his temples. “I would have tried harder to make it good for you.”

Is that what he’s worried about?

Ushijima huffs softly, reaching up and pinching Tendou’s nose between his pointer and middle fingers to get his attention. The former middle blocker pouts, staring back at him with troubled brown eyes. 

“I have no regrets about last night, Satori. But if you want we can try again once we get to my apartment.” 

Tendou blinks and then a slow, dangerous smile spreads across his lips. His eyes narrow to slits and Ushijima gazes back at him with equal intensity, cocking his head to the side in silent invitation.

“Alright. I’ll make sure it’s a night to remember, then,” Tendou murmurs, and there’s a hand on Ushijima’s thigh now, light and teasing.

“Nothing but the best for our dear Wakatoshi-kun.”

**Author's Note:**

> So I hope people liked this? It's what I spent most of my Christmas weekend doing. I wanted to write something outside of my current Ushiten series and landed on this.
> 
> Ushijima being a virgin wasn't originally planned when I first started this story but it kinda just made sense and I have ✨no regrets✨ not a single one.
> 
> The rest of the team IS there at the restaurant by the way, I just got lazy about writing actions out for all of them. They weren't the focus of this sdiufhdfg
> 
> I know in the original story the character for the role Tendou fills has a hole in his lung that causes the breathing issues. However I wanted to go in a bit of a different direction here and make Ushijima the focus of the “hyperventilation” episode. I imagine he doesn’t get overwhelmed a lot but he is under immense pressure, both external and internal, and I enjoyed writing an Ushijima that’s a little more human and vulnerable. 
> 
> Please come scream with me about ushiten and volleyball nerds on twitter [@ushitendous](https://twitter.com/ushitendous)!


End file.
